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No Country for Bald Men

Claudio Mastroianni

A tradition italian gay guy. Loves to travel, but with no fuss please.


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Do you know which is the major turn-off in being in Italy for the Easter Holidays? The weather.

The weather sucks, really. Every single year. Which is strange, considering how Italy is known for its good weather and good pastas and bad-bad mafias. But hey, we still have good pastas and bad-bad mafias on Easter too, so don’t be afraid!

Back to Frisco: yesterday I decided to take a walk down the Golden Gate Bridge. You know: things normal tourists make on a Sunday morning. Sadly my organizational skills are lacking, in that post-jetlag alternate universe where I sleep a lot and don’t want to go out early. This alternate seems a lot like Italy, by the way.

So I ventured out on the streets at 11AM and it was like WHOAH what the fudge is going out here? Sun everywhere. Boiling sun everywhere. Which is very good news for my mood, but very bad news for my bald head. Considering that I had to walk down a windy bridge for like two hours minimum… well, you know better than me.

That’s why I decided to look for a way to buy my 7-days travel passport to the Muni (which is something I really advice you guys to do on the first day you arrive in the city). On an Easter Sunday.

It’s been a hell of an adventure, but you know what? After a lot of struggles, walking, and pondering about where to buy it in a possible walking radius, after all this in the end I didn’t succeed. Way to go, Claudio, way to go.

After all these years of travelling, I haven’t learned to organize myself and decide what to do in advance on a day-by-day basis. But hey, if I weren’t born this way, I wouldn’t have called me a slow traveller.

[Isn’t this intro a little bit too long, for this post?]

Long story short: I had a nice brunch in Cafe du Soleil in the Duboce Triangle – I will talk about that later – and then I moved up Fillmore Street until I reached Japantown, and it was PARADE TIME! YAY! I’m lazy, I will talk later about that, too.

Longer story shorter: it was fun to walk through the stands and to stand through the crowd – a big crowd of a lot of japanese people, less latinos, and (sadly) a scarce amount of buff buddies – but I had to give up after my bald head started to be so hot I could fry an egg over it.

Maybe I should open a foodblog. Thingsyoucancookoveryourbaldhead.com, it could be a success. I’ll buy the domain, just in case. Don’t steal it!

Sum it up, Claudio! Is San Francisco good for bald men?

Ok, you’re right: let’s cut to the chase.

Men, San Francisco can be so damn’ hot on some days. And you really have to be prepared for the occasion.

If you’re a bald person – just like a lot of sexy men like… erm, Bruce Willis? Is he bald anymore? Oh, and Yul Brinner! Yul’s sexy, isn’t it? – here’s some rules you MUST follow before visiting SFO:

  1. Bring a light jacket with a hood. Or a cap. But nobody looks sexy in a cap, most of them just look lame. So a hooded jacket is better. Really, stop with those caps.
  2. Bring a LIGHT jacket with a hood. Light, because if it’s hot outside, the nice hooded parka you brought in the States from Milan will be useless.
  3. Bring or buy some sunscreen. Or aftersun. Or whatever. This is even truer if your home country is sad and grey and with no sun until June and your white and pale like Lucius Malfoy.
  4. Bring with you a bottle of water. Any water would do the trick of refreshing your vulcanized head, but it seems like there’s no fucking fountain in San Francisco. Come on, San Francisco. I mean, COME ON.
  5. In any of the above rules isn’t good for you, think about a wig. Wigs are so in-fashion these days. Really. Ask my fashionistas friends. They will run away screaming, but isn’t that what they do for any well-dressed men. Believe in me.

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